- April 14, 2025
by David Lancefield and Dina Denham Smith
There are plenty of reasons we experience disappointment over the course of our careers: the leadership roles, pitches, and awards we want but don’t land. The words and actions of people at work, in our community, and in society that don’t live up to our expectations.
Disappointment is a complex, multi-layered emotion. It can involve a swirl of mixed feelings, including frustration that you didn’t get what you expected and sadness because the outcome mattered to you. Or you may feel regret if you didn’t do your best, resentment if the result felt unfair, or jealousy about others winning the prize instead of you. You may also feel anxious about what might happen next.
In the wake of disappointment, we’re often told to roll with the punches and move on. But this advice underestimates the emotional impact we experience, the choices we face, and the potential for learning. It can also be easy to slip into one of three unproductive responses and get stuck:
- Entitlement (“I deserved this”). After working hard to earn something, it can be easy to feel entitled to the win. But this response often stems from unrealistic expectations; success is never guaranteed, however talented you are. Getting stuck on whether the outcome is “fair” only increases your negative feelings.
- Extrapolation (“I’ll never succeed at this”). One adverse outcome doesn’t mean that you’re a failure or that there’s another disappointment around the corner. But if we believe the future will be bad, we often act like it is, resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- Exasperation (“How could they choose someone else?”). This response overlooks the fact that you have only partial insight into the decision-making process. Blind spots and informational asymmetries mean there were likely factors at play that you couldn’t see.
Instead, focus on what’s within your control. Here are six ways to respond to disappointment wisely and be strategic about your next move.
Manage your emotions
Disappointment can hit hard, sparking strong emotions that lead us to shut down or react in ways we later regret. While it’s natural to feel upset, how you handle a setback matters—not just for your growth but also for how you’re perceived. Reacting poorly can leave a lasting mark, shaping your reputation more than the setback itself, so it’s crucial to manage your emotions.
Start by acknowledging and accepting your feelings and thoughts about the letdown as natural. Unpack your disappointment, pinpointing your feelings and labeling them using specific words. For example, after not making the partnership at a Big Four accounting firm, Dina’s client Anthony* told her that he felt “sad, disillusioned, and hurt.” Identifying and naming your emotions eases their intensity, guides your response, and helps you chart the most constructive path forward. Anthony’s feelings pointed to a need for healing.
Talking with trusted confidants and journaling about your experience can also help you process your feelings and is proven to boost physical and mental well-being. However, be mindful of who you turn to. Colleagues who encourage gossip or negativity can keep you stuck rather than help you heal, and loose words can be remembered in years to come. The goal isn’t to dwell on the disappointment but to understand it, gain perspective, and move forward constructively.
Reassess your expectations
Disappointment often stems from a mismatch in expectations: You thought the result you wanted was a foregone conclusion when the reality suggests otherwise. Perhaps you didn’t understand what the decision-makers were looking for, so you focused your efforts in the wrong areas. Or maybe you did understand but assumed your achievements and skills would speak for themselves, or there was simply a stronger candidate.
Review what the decision-makers said—or implied—about what they were looking for. Put yourself in their shoes and ask: Did you provide the evidence they needed? Whether it’s your day-to-day impact, personal brand, the quality of your pitch, or your performance in an interview, how well did you make your case? Consider the field, too. Who or what else might have been in the running? What were their strengths and weaknesses? Where do you sit in the pecking order?
Doing this reflection systematically means you’ll come out with a more reasonable expectation of the chances you had. Applying this process the next time around will also help you select future opportunities that better match your strengths and prepare for the process more diligently.
One of David’s clients, Jayne, recognized that she was a long shot for a CEO role. She had started her campaign late, and other candidates had more experience. But she wanted to signal her ambition and learn from the feedback she would receive during the selection process. When she didn’t land the role, she was naturally disappointed—especially because her confidence had grown during the process—but not surprised. With this positive frame of mind, she made a strong start in her next role and started to explore future CEO opportunities.
Allow for recovery
Disappointment can be draining, taking a toll on you emotionally and sapping your motivation and productivity. Your well-being and performance will rebound most quickly if you take the time and space to replenish your internal resources. This doesn’t mean stopping or retreating for months on end but intentionally engaging in restorative non-work activities.
Consider which activities help you detach from work and re-energize. For Anthony, that meant restarting the morning workout routine he’d abandoned in the intense run-up to the partnership decision. What would be enjoyable and restorative for you? Spending more time with friends and family, engaging in a creative pursuit, watching a funny movie, or attending a religious service? What you choose matters less than committing the time.
Recovery isn’t self-indulgence; it’s a strategic act. When you take time to recover and reset, especially after a setback, you not only recharge yourself but strengthen your leadership. Leaders who prioritize recovery boost creativity and performance in their teams and show up in more supportive and effective ways.
One of David’s clients, John, wanted to take a good look at his life after being passed over for a role. It became apparent that work dominated his identity, so when disappointments happened, he had little else to fall back on. Avoiding knee-jerk reactions, he chose to spend time reconnecting with his family, starting a new part-time committee role at his alma mater, and improving his sleep habits and diet. This enabled him to be in a better position to think through what to do next.
Draw out learning
It can be painful to reflect on disappointment, so it’s tempting to avoid it altogether or do it superficially. But that’s a missed opportunity to learn something that will increase your chances of success next time around.
There’s plenty to ask and learn about: the decision-making process, the decision-makers, organizational priorities and power dynamics, your peers or other candidates, and your coworkers. Start with the decision-makers, making it easy and comfortable for them to provide you with input. Use a short, simple communication that strikes a positive tone, such as:
Dear [Name],
Thank you for sharing the news. Naturally, I’m disappointed by the outcome. But I’m keen to learn from the experience so that I make an even stronger contribution in the future. Your answers to these three questions will help me do this:
- What did you see as my biggest strength?
- What did you not see enough of?
- What advice would you give to me?
Can I find 15 minutes in your schedule in the next week to talk this through?
Ask your coworkers and others close to you, including at home, what they noticed about you or remember you talking about during the process. Then turn inward, focusing on what it will take to create the best version of your next future self. Ask: What did you learn about the organization that will help you perform and progress in the future? What did your peers or other candidates do that you can learn from? What do you need to learn to do better next time?
Accept that you won’t always get clear answers. But the act of deliberate learning focuses your attention constructively and signals to others that you’re taking a positive approach.
Reboot your confidence
It’s natural for self-doubt to creep in when you’ve had a setback. You might find yourself second-guessing your abilities, wondering, “Did I misread the situation?” or “Am I not as capable as I thought?” While these thoughts are understandable, staying stuck in them will hold you back.
Start by putting this event in perspective. A big disappointment can make us forget our past successes, so take a moment to revisit and reflect on your previous achievements, whether it’s a big project you led, a difficult conversation you navigated, or a risk that paid off. Zoom out and ask yourself: Will this really matter in a year? While a setback can feel all-consuming and so big in the moment, the answer is often no.
Next, start taking concrete steps to regain momentum, whether it’s volunteering for a new project, pitching another idea, or simply speaking up in a meeting. Small wins rebuild confidence.
After coming to terms with his disappointment at being passed over for partnership twice, Anthony shifted his energy and focus to what he could control and took action. He volunteered for two projects outside his practice, expanding his network and earning accolades and critical new advocates at the firm. Outside of work, he ran for his local school board, led a strong campaign, and won. Both experiences helped Anthony reinforce his skills and restored his confidence.
Move forward
Identify the decision-makers, sponsors, collaborators, informal leaders, mentors, and others who lift you up and tell them about your ambition, inviting them to help. Go above and beyond in your work, showing how well you perform and that you can progress. Be a positive force for good, strengthening your reputation as somebody who’s good to work with and be around. Be the “yes, we can” person who is future-focused.
This is exactly what John and Anthony did after their respective disappointments. John aligned himself closely with his new boss, becoming his go-to person by delivering high performance in priority projects and being an advocate for the new strategy he had helped create. Anthony expanded his network at the firm, volunteering for two high-visibility, cross-practice projects and nurturing his relationships with his boss and other key partners. They both showed up to work with a more positive, opportunity-first mindset. Within six months, John was promoted to a C-suite leadership role and Anthony made the partnership.
If the organization’s priorities don’t interest you or if what they expect from you isn’t something you’re willing to give, consider where else you can move to within or outside the organization. While Jayne gave her best in her next role, she soon realized that she wasn’t going to be part of the CEO’s inner circle, which would limit her progression. With this clarity, she started to explore new opportunities, including CEO roles for herself.
Dealing with disappointment is a strategic endeavor. It involves a series of choices about how to respond and what to do next. Done badly, it diminishes your reputation and damages your prospects. Done well, it strengthens your resolve, clarifies your focus, and positions you for growth. Which path will you choose?
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To view the original article posted on the Harvard Business Review website, visit: 6 Ways to Deal with Disappointment Strategically